Room 101

Room 101… Five

 

The HIMYM Finale

I’ve always hated you, Ted

I’ve already written about how awful losing this phantom slap bet felt. It was legen…wait for it… f*****g s**t… legen- f*****g s**t, and I will never get over it. Ironically, I intend to spend nine years telling my own children the story of How I Met Your Mother and letting them suffer the dagger to the heart in the final installment – this betrayal shall never be forgotten. No matter how much better the alternative ending was.

The X Factor clichés

Morons

I was just like everyone else in the years of Leona, JLS and Diana Vickers – the nation loved The X Factor, no matter how tacky it was/is, we all secretly liked it. There are about 6,812 things about the show that I could condemn to Room 101 nowadays; the stringently false sob stories or the judges’ entrance music that tries to act as if Cheryl Cole and co. have arrived from the gates of hell themselves. But the biggest irritant is a million percent the tedious clichés in what I think are supposed to be genuine critique from so-called experts. It’s like yeah thanks, Mel, I’m glad you like her outfit but that’s not really gonna help her sing better next week is it? You look like a young *shit popstar*, I want *place your from* to vote for you, you’re such a nice *guy/girl*, you need to be in the final says Louis to everyone, failing to comprehend the concept of the weekly eliminations, he’s presided over since the first publication of the Old Testament. In truth, The X Factor has become a parody of some hopelessly over the top Spanish soap opera backed by a brainless studio audience that would lynch Mother Theresa if she didn’t gloss over the gold-painted comedy act murdering Whitney Houston on stage.

MTV Reality Shows

Losers, every single one of them.

I mean I’m singling out MTV here because their offerings offend me the most but efforts like TOWIE and MiC are fairly bad for this too. I’m not about attacking the viewers of these programmes, I love trash TV as much as the next person but the people these programmes produce are simply detestable. Taking Geordie Shore for example, you’ve got that Scotty, sitting there in his tank top fidgeting like a Furby on crack, unable to keep his eyes on the producer as he feigns a ‘lad’ persona as best as he can to please his big-headed mate. In fact, I caught a portion of one episode where one girl said “she was going out to do what she does best; getting mortal and tashing on” – if the best things you can do in life involve swallowing and slobbering then you’d best be some kind of primitive beast and not just look like one. Oh, and maybe stop trying to be an ultra-cool vapid parasite, who wouldn’t look out of site in the background of a The Walking Dead scene.

Blonde hair bullying

Admittedly, this could be a selfie.

This is completely personal and I’m not convinced anyone else ever experiences it but I for one am tired of being told that I look like every other blonde person to ever exist ever. I don’t. It’s a serious problem, if a blonde male celebrity comes to prominence I get told I look like him and 100% of the time I really don’t. Neil Patrick Harris? Nope. Mark Paul Gosselaar in his Saved by the Bell years? Nope. Jimmy Saville? I will slap you. Sam Strike? I wish.  Fact of the matter is, I can’t simultaneously look like all of these people anyway, if I was bald, would I look like Ross Kemp and if I was ginger, would I look like Prince Harry? Simply put, I don’t look like any celebrity just because I have a similar hair colour. The only one slightly close is Clare Balding – which is truly an honour.

 

“Respect my opinion”

“how can u question my opinion its like human rights”

I can be quite argumentative at times – shock horror, breaking news etc. etc. But there is nothing more annoying than when in a spirited disagreement with someone they whip out the perceived criticism forcefield that is “you’ve got to respect my opinion” because the simple fact is I bloody well don’t. The only real rule is that you have to respect everyone’s right to hold their own opinions but no, I won’t respect someone’s opinion that ramming a fork in to a toaster to retrieve a slice is a good idea, nor will I respect the opinions of that blithering red-faced toenail in charge of UKIP. And if you don’t like that premise then you have to respect my opinion that your opinion is whack as fuck.

 Banter lords

SOIYA

This blog post needs some #EPICBANTZ!!!! Seriously, what is everyone’s obsession with ‘banter’? It’s treated like this invisible drug that springs young ‘#LADS’ in to life and gives them a reason to exist. We’re supposed to live in a time of ‘PC gone mad’ but it kinda looks like the opposite is true too. People crave banter like nourishment, because it’s like 100% okay to say whatever you want to anyone as long as your slap down your #BANTZ card on delivery. It doesn’t matter how unfunny it is, if you use the words ‘melt’, ‘mong’ or ‘Aids’ you get extra #LADBANTZPOINTS too. It really is a fun game, right? That’s why it was so sad and definitely a fix that volatile dope, sorry… Jimmy ultimate lad banter-king Bullard was eliminated from I’m a Celebrity… so early. You know it’s outrageous, I mean I for one was in stitches when Jimmy took offence to Jake’s #EPICBANTZ and returned some home truths in a nasty tone. But that’s totally fine, because being the master of subterfuge that he is, he later called it #BANTZ so he never meant a word and anyone that thought he did is ridiculous. I’m not really sure why banter lords get so offended when people are offended at people disguising nastiness as humour – today’s banter rarely ever involves any genuine wit. To be honest, it goes something like this, you get verbally insulted, get told it’s some form of humour, get told you’re not allowed to be offended by it by people offended that people are so offended by them being intentionally offensive without wanting to seem offensive. As for Jimmy being voted off, maybe try actually voting for your favourites next time instead of blaming TV companies for ‘fixing’ it so popular contestants get thrown out at the earliest opportunity. #FuckingNovelIdeaLAD

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Room 101…Two

I realised since my last Room 101 blog which is now a year or so ago that there are plenty more other things on this planet that I don’t like and wish to eradicate.

Mary Poppins

Pompous… Mary Poppins is a cow.

I know she’s meant to be lovable and I know she was played by a true screen legend in Julie Andrews but my God, how arrogant is that woman? She comes floating in with her morbidly black umbrella and decides she’s the fucking queen? I mean her only solution to anything is to pump children full of sugar and she still has the audacity to claim she’s ‘practically perfect in every way’. Urgh, bitch.

American Sports

Nonsensical… Logically, this game should be called football, right?

Americans are great. I mean that. I really do… for the most part. They’re a proud nation with much to be proud of. But at times it comes across as undeservedly arrogant, especially when it comes to their sports. Football (not soccer) is the most popular sport in the world but in the States, baseball and hand-egg are the big games. Now, if the ludicrous rules and thoroughly uninteresting game-play of both isn’t enough to make you dislike the US’ sports, then their delusion over how important and popular they are should be. How can they call baseball’s top competition, the WORLD series when only one country is allowed to take part? They even label the rivalry between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees as the ‘biggest in sport’. I’m pretty sure River Plater and Boca Juniors would tell our friends across the pond something quite different.

Gary Barlow

Dull…. Gary Barlow is…………………………………………………………….. Zzzzzzzz

Given how boring this man is, writing about him at 12:21am is dangerous to say the least. I actually can’t say much more than that. He’s dull and he’s not even redeemed by his songwriting, which he seems to be lauded over. He was once good but his latest stuff including ‘Shame’ and ‘Sing’ are two of the cheesiest songs in existence. He falls in to the ballad clichés very often. I find it hard to believe that a person so fucking one-dimensional can be so famous and popular.

Chavs

Anti-social… Some people collect stamps, Chavs collect ASBOs

I’m not going to lie; I can be a snob. I really don’t like chavs. I mean, I’m not going to go as far as to judge people based on what they wear but I mean I don’t like the sort that hangs around town centres in groups, drinking Strongbow, wearing tracksuits and heckling old ladies with obscure slang. You know the sort of ignorant souls that go on Jeremy Kyle, get pregnant at 7 years of age, claim benefits and spend the rest of their lives sitting on the sofa, munching on a 24 pack of Hula Hoops with their one remaining tooth. In other words, these people are scummy and grimy and yuck.

The London Underground

Scary… I’d rather walk…

This place is a dark, dank, sweaty death tramp! It’s so awful, it’s pitch black, noisy and screechy. You hear stories about ghosts being on the tube, you go under a fucking river and people regularly try to kill themselves. I think I would be absolutely chuffed if my oyster card got revoked.

Thunderstorms

Scary… FUCK YOU THUNDER! YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK

I hate thunder and lightning. It scares me shitless, I literally hide behind objects during thunderstorms and will not move until they’re over. Why? Because about a year ago, lightning struck the window of the room I was in, whilst I was peeing and it was without doubt the scariest moment of my life. Honestly, just fuck off ligntning, you hot, electric cunt.

“You was” / “I seen”

Strict… Say it right or don’t say anything.

How do people get this wrong? It’s the most fucking irritating grammatical error around, just pipping the ‘definitely/defiantly’ debacle to the top spot. I associate this mistake with idiocy so if you get this wrong regularly then I probably won’t like you.

The Big Bang Theory

Over-rated… An average programme for average people.

This programme is the 2nd most over-rated thing in existence. It is popular on both sides of the Atlantic and I just don’t know why, it’s Dexter’s Laboratory except not animated. There is only one notable character with the rest rendered practically useless serving only conform to social and racial stereotypes. Sheldon’s only popular for being able to complicate simple dialogue, hardly the feat of good comedic writing. Is it really that easy to please the public? Well actually, yes, it really is. That being said, I’m sure the producers of TBBT are laughing all the way to the bank. I mean, it really is fucking depressing when ‘The Big Bang Theory’ is searched on Google, that the show comes up before the actual theory itself. Maybe, Kaley Cuoco is attracting viewership as the show’s piece of eye candy? Personally I preferred her in 8 Simple Rules but when it comes to this show I have only one simple rule; after the theme song (the only good bit), turn this shower of shite off.

Oasis

‘Heroes’… LOLZ, its so funni 2 act lyk a petulant twt all da tym LOLZ ❤

No, I don’t mean the drink. I literally can’t stand this band and unlike many, I rejoiced when they broke up. They are persistently rimmed and labelled as one of ‘the best bands ever’. I can’t take away their commercial and critical success but to me, they’re painfully average. One of the greats? My tits are they! I can recall two memorable songs both of which are so similar they may as well merge in to one 7 minute piece of monotonous drivel. They’ve almost become a cult thing amongst teenage football fans on Twitter too, I doubt you’ll find a more common bio than “*Football club*, Oasis, away days ♥” as if their music is now the official soundtrack. If their overly stated music that is arselicked beyond recognition by the masses isn’t enough to turn you off them, then you only need to be reminded of the members of this band; the Gallaghers. Referring to the easily impressed public I mentioned in the last entrant to Room 101, people seem to love Noel Gallagher because he swears in interviews. Apparently, a 46 year old man still acting like a Year 6 student that needs a smack on the arse is something that the average Briton likes. Both brothers have inevitably bought in to their own misplaced hype, not that you could blame them for that. Noel even had the audacity to claim that ‘music was dead’ citing pop music as responsible. I didn’t hear him saying much back in the pop-dominated noughties when he was still able to sell music himself, did you?

UKIP / The BNP / The EDL

Supremacists… Closet racists the lot

I have no idea why people support these sham-organisations. They’re just xenophobic alliances, disguised under the common protestation that they want to ‘protect Britain’. Let’s face it, the average supporter is a braindead thug with a lower IQ than a Jacob’s cream cracker. Unfortunately, scare tactics work on many in Britain and few of those on the bandwagon seem to realise that nationalism, an ideology all three employ, was the founding principal of Adolf Hitler’s nazi party. Just a heads up, to the media slaves; nationalism and patriotism are very different things.

Lad Culture

#BanterLAD #RESPECT… #StupidCunt #FuckOffYouOdiousPricks

Another thing formed from moronic thinking is lad culture. Who is the fucking ignoramus that decided acting like a prat should be glorified and celebrated? I mean, I honestly think I could get ‘LAD points’ for mugging an old woman in the street. As long as I chose to define it as ‘banter’, another over-used term that muppets seem to crave, like some sort of verbal drug. If I’m being quite frank and I’m not often anything else, if you’re ever called a lad, the chances are you’re just a plain old cunt.

Room 101

A twiend of mine recommended that I do a blog on my nominations for Room 101. So after some intense whittling down of candidates here are my magic fifteen. (P.S. This is dedicated to Nicole)

1. Scream Mask

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Petrified… My heart was racing whilst I searched for this on Google

This might seem like a strange one but my first nomination for Room 101 comes in the form of the most chilling mask to ever exist. It’s a completely irrational fear of mine but it’s safe to say I am genuinely terrified of this mask. I’m so afraid in fact that there is a good chance come October 31st, I will refuse you any treat whatsoever if you don this haunting persona. I’m even quaking with fear at the thought of this daunting face appearing before me as I write this at 12:21am.

2. Chris Moyles (on TV only)

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Shut up… Even Babs thinks Chris Moyles is a twat.

Again, this will probably seem an odd choice. I know that old Moylesy is quite popular on his hit Radio 1 breakfast show and I won’t begrudge him that. In fact, I find him most tolerable when his voice commands the airwaves. It’s only when my Leeds-supporting namesake makes the switch to television that his insufferable nature becomes apparent. Much like how a child might change around the popular kids. Moyles seems to fall under the disillusion that he’s the funniest man in existence every time he appears on the box and to make matters worse, his warm charm often apparent on the airwaves seems deeply contained by his revolting, four-chinned face.

3. People who open my fridge without asking

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Closed… The way a fridge should be.

Honestly, what is this fuckery? You cannot just go in to someone’s home and open their fridge. It’s like going in to someone’s church to borrow their bible. I mean, by all means if I invite you to have a look in my fridge then go ahead. But if you feast your eyes on my stashes of Coca-Cola, Frubes and Galaxy chocolate without prior permission then God help you.

4. Internet celebrities

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Leave the internet alone… Chris Crocker cries for Britney.

These people are simply hideous on the inside. Now, when I say Internet celebrities, I am talking about everything from your gossip-fuelled bitches like Perez Hilton to your vein, conceited wannabes like Olly Riley. Basically, these people are famous for smacking keyboards or being attractive. They are usually conceited and driven by their own putrid desire to be famous for nothing. Olly Riley and Nick Lowe are usually found regurgitating motivational quotes then responding with vitriol of the homophobic nature to their ‘haters’. Let’s be honest, internet celebrities serve only one purpose – to be hated. God bless, Olly Riley for making that so damn easy.

5. Homophobes, racists and sexists

God hates fags… He also said you’re not allowed to get your hair cut

I shouldn’t even need to say anything . These people are the scum of the earth. You can often find them in the deep south of the States, usually sucking on the corners of a double-barrel shotgun.

6. Kingston-upon-Hull

Censored… Hull is a shithole, that’s why he came home.

Now, I’m not trying to say that people from Hull aren’t as smashing as the rest of the folk (Nottingham excluded) found in Great Britain. But unfortunately, their city is literally an urban skip, I mean how bad can a place be that it actually has a Twitter account dedicated to finding tweets insulting its appearance? I had the unfortunate chore of visiting the Humberside settlement last December and I felt as if I was visiting the rubble of Hiroshima on magic mushrooms. Hull is old-fashioned; not in the cool vintage way but in the practically Amish way. Obviously, every English city has it’s good parts and bad parts. It’s just that Hull’s good parts make Luton look like Rome.

7. Owls

Creepy… Even Hedwig cannot redeem these winged wankers.

These things are the second most evil animal to walk (fly) the face of this earth. Their creepy head rotation and frying pan stare is enough to send chills down anyone’s spine. Forget, bald eagles. The owl is the menace of the sky.

8. Facebook

Drama… Facebook has become Jeremy Kyle’s utopia.

Here comes part deux of my internet snobbery; Nomination number eight is that of social-networking giant, Facebook. It’s fair to say, I was once a keen Facebooker, back in 2010 before it experienced a massive decline thanks to the rising popularity of the far superior, Twitter. However, Facebook is now synonymous with three things; chavs, wannabes and moaning teenagers. I’m not saying, Facebook doesn’t have it’s practicalities but let’s just say if I was given the choice now, I would not become a fan. In fact, I’d stick to the new social-networking site, I now ‘follow’.

9. Being wrongly accused

I can’t even put a funny spin on this… It’s just so annoying. My ultimate gear-grinder.

10. Nottingham Forest

Shit badge… We all know it’s the back of an old lady’s head and her shoulder blades.

22.1 miles due north of my beloved Leicester City, lurks a hideous disease under the guise of Nottingham Forest Football Club. If delusion had a physical state it would manifest itself as one of the vile trees, I am subjected to on Twitter. If you follow me, you are probably well aware that I don’t like Forest fans and Forest fans don’t like me. My reasoning is that my beloved gunslingers up the A46 are arrogance personified. Whoop-de-fucking-doo, you’ve had two years of success. Well, guess what, this one time I trended on Twitter, does that make me permanently famous? No, it doesn’t. The under-educated Shottingham inhabitants seem to have trouble grasping this concept but are more than happy to bring it up 24/7. In fact, if any of you have the misfortune of bumping in to the inbreds from Robin Hood-shire, sling a history book their way – It’s their favourite past-time.

11. Bananas & Raspberries

Raspberries… Like strawberries except with absolutely no positives whatsoever.

The Hitler and Stalin of fruits. I’ve only ever had the experience of each of these two ‘fruits’ raping my taste buds once and I’m thrilled to say, I’ve never had to go back. I do genuinely struggle to find any redeeming factor from either of these two. The banana is a putrid yellow mess with an utterly revolting texture that should only ever be visible wearing pyjamas on children’s television. Whereas, raspberries are little pink grenades of poison that ignite a quite frankly violent gag reflex from me. Give me, vomit fruit over either of these any day of the week.

12. American Flag – English language

We are not amused… America takes credit for someone else’s work…again.

An annoyance of patriotic influence coming through now – The use of the American flag on a language selector when referring to English. I would first like  to take this opportunity to say that I have no intention of trashing our backwards Transatlantic cousins but the language is quite clearly property of old Blighty. It doesn’t even make sense for the flag of the United States to be used. Granted, there are more English speakers there but, it’s bloody called ENGLISH. You wouldn’t describe ‘Don’t Stop Believin” as a Glee song ahead of Journey just because it charted higher than the original would you? No is the correct answer.

13. Peter Andre’s reality TV shows

Fame whore… Peter still doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up.

There’s overkill and then there’s Peter Andre. It’s probably fair to say, Peter Andre is for the most part, a  very popular man among the British public (particularly with those at ITV2). He’s had a highly-publicised marriage with airhead, Katie Price, as well as an at best mediocre pop career. However, Peter’s biggest flaw is his inability to know when to call it a day. Since 2008, Andre has had FIVE reality TV shows, all on ITV2 from ‘Going it Alone’ to ‘Here 2 Help’. I’m sorry, but who in their right mind would want to watch a 30-something has-been help  a random member of the public fix their boiler? Like, I said – Overkill would  be a massive understatement.

14. Leopard seals

Smug… Leopard seals are self-satisfied shag rats.

These creatures are runts with a capital ‘C’. These floppy, damp blobs of death screech evil in every way from their predatory nature to their icy, yellow stare. I’m all for animal rights. In fact, I have adopted several endangered wild animals but not these nasty bastards. They should make like a dodo and fuck off.

15. Beliebers

Vermin… Beliebers are the rats of the internet and Bieber fever is the bubonic plague.

Interestingly enough, the Random List Generator I used to order my 15 nominations left these turds until last and it was a mighty fine choice indeed. Next to the fans of Notts Forest, there is not a single more irritating group of individuals on the planet. It’s probably apparent to you that these (usually) pre-pubescent scumbags frequent to hijack Twitter trends on a daily basis, with the sole purpose of thrusting their odd obsession in to the faces of the masses. Unfortunately, these twerps seem unable to grasp the fact that their abrasiveness actually generates hate for the thoroughly likable person they claim to ‘idolise’, when he has done little wrong. Also, many of them think Justin Bieber is on the same level as the great King of Pop, Michael Jackson despite Biebs current total of 0 number-one singles…