Reality TV

Celebrity Big Bother

Back in the day, I loved Celebrity Big Brother and the civilian series too. It was trashy, fun, intense, dramatic, real and surreal all at once. Channel Five have done a great job of recapturing that essence with the two series I have, as some people would consider, ‘deigned’ to watch since it moved from Channel Four. That’s why I’m devoting this post to talking about this series and it’s absurdly brilliant yet frustrating housemates.

Katie Hopkins and Perez Hilton are the two stand-out housemates this year as they’ve come to blows time and time again. Let’s get one thing clear; they’re both arseholes. Who’s the bigger arsehole? Well, I’ll answer that in due course but it’s definitely worth remembering that they’re both arseholes and both professional wind up merchants. There seems to be three camps in the house; Team Hopkins consisting of Katie H, Michelle, Cami and probably Calum just about. Team Hilton is Perez, Nadia, Alicia and just about Patsy. Finally, there’s Team Snore fronted by Kavana, Katie P and Cheggers.

Let’s pick them off one-by-one. Katie P is harmless, she is absolutely filthy and maybe shouldn’t be disclosing the naughty secrets of her ex-husbands to relative strangers on national television but they shouldn’t be arseholes either. Kavana is the ultimate bore, he seriously does nothing and I would not miss him should he disappear and neither would Cheggers, who is nice enough and occasionally funny but too a bit drab.

Now on to Team Hilton. Patsy is wonderful. Bizarrely juxtaposed as irreversibly repressed yet uber calm, a lovely woman who seems to be as close to allergic to noise and conflict as one could be, I actually want her to win due to the sheer lack of truly likable characters this year. Alicia is sweet but naive, she gets a bit touchy about the process of the show but fundamentally, she’s a nice person and more than capable of standing up to Katie Hopkins. Nadia too is wonderful, whilst loud and abrasive at the start and perhaps even hard to like, her moral compass and conviction in standing up for what’s right should earn her more plaudits than it does.

Team Katie are slightly more divided in my view; Calum is an inconsistent dud, painfully boring even though he’s finally been coerced in to picking on Alicia. Cami is a horrible brat, vicious, conniving, underhanded and nasty, she thinks she’s untouchable but one day someone will put her in her place. Michelle is false, not in the sense that she’s deliberately two-faced but she’s not who she says she is. She’s not a defender of the outcast and she isn’t the beacon of moral objectivity and guardianship. She was so promising but she’s been Hopkinised which is a true shame.

Now to the other two. And here’s my answer to the earlier question; Katie Hopkins. Katie Hopkins is the bigger arsehole. Yes, Perez Hilton is an irritant, a narcissistic, depraved, sad and at times vile individual who will go to any means to get attention. He, like Katie H too have their good sides that we have seen from time to time too but let’s focus on the controversy. Perez acts this way for attention, I assume he feels like an outcast that Michelle supposedly represents and has no idea whatsoever what to do with it. He shouts so loud and acts so vibrantly because he doesn’t think he’s seen and that doesn’t come across well to others. I don’t buy Nadia’s protestations that all of Perez’s acting out is due to the wall of hate he experiences from the housemates, but I’m certain it’s part of the reason.

Katie Hopkins on the other hand is vicious, she’s taken a disliking to Perez, and I can’t blame her for that, he’s said and done some out of line things. Such as taunting Alexander O’Neal and calling Katie herself ‘homophobic’  which was possibly unfair at time but has since been proven to have some merit since she gloated about her kids having two parents unlike Perez’s son. I wonder if she boasted in front of the loving family she broke up by stealing her children’s other parent? Too, she wasn’t exactly outraged when Alexander O’Neal blasted Perez as an ‘ass faggot’ and neither was self-professed ‘LGBTQ champ’ Michelle Visage for that matter. The point is is that she is visibly obsessed with Perez, constantly seeking him out to hurl her tirades of abusive, unkind comments at him, well just because she can. It’s the most petulant emnity I’ve ever seen; kiss blowing, tongue wagging, name calling, threat making etc. She smacks of an insecure woman, who takes out her complexes on others, it would certainly explain why any praise reduces her to a blubbering wreck. Both of their pathetic crusades to recruit floating housemates in to their gang is sad, as is Katie Hopkins’ destruction of house property, threats against physical well-being and her columns that bash the housemates she’s too afraid to criticise to their face. Alicia Douvall summed Katie up brilliantly a few days ago; ‘if she’s so smart then why does she have to make a career by being nasty?’. She’s malicious to put it plainly, she possesses minimal quick wit and has continually embarrassed herself on the programme. Both of these two morons have a lot of issues to work out but they don’t allow themselves to process that and instead have both manifested an inflated ego that they’ve convinced themselves to believe in. They’re both twats but the fact is is that Perez Hilton is Katie Hopkins-ing Katie Hopkins and she has no idea how to deal with it.

Room 101… Five

 

The HIMYM Finale

I’ve always hated you, Ted

I’ve already written about how awful losing this phantom slap bet felt. It was legen…wait for it… f*****g s**t… legen- f*****g s**t, and I will never get over it. Ironically, I intend to spend nine years telling my own children the story of How I Met Your Mother and letting them suffer the dagger to the heart in the final installment – this betrayal shall never be forgotten. No matter how much better the alternative ending was.

The X Factor clichés

Morons

I was just like everyone else in the years of Leona, JLS and Diana Vickers – the nation loved The X Factor, no matter how tacky it was/is, we all secretly liked it. There are about 6,812 things about the show that I could condemn to Room 101 nowadays; the stringently false sob stories or the judges’ entrance music that tries to act as if Cheryl Cole and co. have arrived from the gates of hell themselves. But the biggest irritant is a million percent the tedious clichés in what I think are supposed to be genuine critique from so-called experts. It’s like yeah thanks, Mel, I’m glad you like her outfit but that’s not really gonna help her sing better next week is it? You look like a young *shit popstar*, I want *place your from* to vote for you, you’re such a nice *guy/girl*, you need to be in the final says Louis to everyone, failing to comprehend the concept of the weekly eliminations, he’s presided over since the first publication of the Old Testament. In truth, The X Factor has become a parody of some hopelessly over the top Spanish soap opera backed by a brainless studio audience that would lynch Mother Theresa if she didn’t gloss over the gold-painted comedy act murdering Whitney Houston on stage.

MTV Reality Shows

Losers, every single one of them.

I mean I’m singling out MTV here because their offerings offend me the most but efforts like TOWIE and MiC are fairly bad for this too. I’m not about attacking the viewers of these programmes, I love trash TV as much as the next person but the people these programmes produce are simply detestable. Taking Geordie Shore for example, you’ve got that Scotty, sitting there in his tank top fidgeting like a Furby on crack, unable to keep his eyes on the producer as he feigns a ‘lad’ persona as best as he can to please his big-headed mate. In fact, I caught a portion of one episode where one girl said “she was going out to do what she does best; getting mortal and tashing on” – if the best things you can do in life involve swallowing and slobbering then you’d best be some kind of primitive beast and not just look like one. Oh, and maybe stop trying to be an ultra-cool vapid parasite, who wouldn’t look out of site in the background of a The Walking Dead scene.

Blonde hair bullying

Admittedly, this could be a selfie.

This is completely personal and I’m not convinced anyone else ever experiences it but I for one am tired of being told that I look like every other blonde person to ever exist ever. I don’t. It’s a serious problem, if a blonde male celebrity comes to prominence I get told I look like him and 100% of the time I really don’t. Neil Patrick Harris? Nope. Mark Paul Gosselaar in his Saved by the Bell years? Nope. Jimmy Saville? I will slap you. Sam Strike? I wish.  Fact of the matter is, I can’t simultaneously look like all of these people anyway, if I was bald, would I look like Ross Kemp and if I was ginger, would I look like Prince Harry? Simply put, I don’t look like any celebrity just because I have a similar hair colour. The only one slightly close is Clare Balding – which is truly an honour.

 

“Respect my opinion”

“how can u question my opinion its like human rights”

I can be quite argumentative at times – shock horror, breaking news etc. etc. But there is nothing more annoying than when in a spirited disagreement with someone they whip out the perceived criticism forcefield that is “you’ve got to respect my opinion” because the simple fact is I bloody well don’t. The only real rule is that you have to respect everyone’s right to hold their own opinions but no, I won’t respect someone’s opinion that ramming a fork in to a toaster to retrieve a slice is a good idea, nor will I respect the opinions of that blithering red-faced toenail in charge of UKIP. And if you don’t like that premise then you have to respect my opinion that your opinion is whack as fuck.

 Banter lords

SOIYA

This blog post needs some #EPICBANTZ!!!! Seriously, what is everyone’s obsession with ‘banter’? It’s treated like this invisible drug that springs young ‘#LADS’ in to life and gives them a reason to exist. We’re supposed to live in a time of ‘PC gone mad’ but it kinda looks like the opposite is true too. People crave banter like nourishment, because it’s like 100% okay to say whatever you want to anyone as long as your slap down your #BANTZ card on delivery. It doesn’t matter how unfunny it is, if you use the words ‘melt’, ‘mong’ or ‘Aids’ you get extra #LADBANTZPOINTS too. It really is a fun game, right? That’s why it was so sad and definitely a fix that volatile dope, sorry… Jimmy ultimate lad banter-king Bullard was eliminated from I’m a Celebrity… so early. You know it’s outrageous, I mean I for one was in stitches when Jimmy took offence to Jake’s #EPICBANTZ and returned some home truths in a nasty tone. But that’s totally fine, because being the master of subterfuge that he is, he later called it #BANTZ so he never meant a word and anyone that thought he did is ridiculous. I’m not really sure why banter lords get so offended when people are offended at people disguising nastiness as humour – today’s banter rarely ever involves any genuine wit. To be honest, it goes something like this, you get verbally insulted, get told it’s some form of humour, get told you’re not allowed to be offended by it by people offended that people are so offended by them being intentionally offensive without wanting to seem offensive. As for Jimmy being voted off, maybe try actually voting for your favourites next time instead of blaming TV companies for ‘fixing’ it so popular contestants get thrown out at the earliest opportunity. #FuckingNovelIdeaLAD