Room 101… Three

Yes, it’s back. Yes, I moan a lot.

Luis Suarez

Seriously… What the fuck is he doing? Creep.

I’ve already condemned Liverpool FC to Room 101 and as far as I’m concerned their buck-toothed talisman can join them. Despite, the obvious issue of racism, his inability to go one game without flopping around like a seal on a sheet of ice every time an opposing player comes within two feet of him is yet another mark against him.  He even bit a player, I mean what even is he? A flimsy bigoted werewolf. Jesus, just fuck off, Luis and please never ever return.

The Scouse accent 

Oust the Scouse… Liverpool’s accent is horrific.

While we’re on the Merseyside theme, let’s give their horrendous accent the boot. I’m not actually a fan of many English accents but the Scouse accent is by far the worst. If it’s not bad enough that you have to listen to whining in the middle of every word, you’re also covered in spit by their harsh rebate too. I’d rather have tinnitus than spend an hour chatting to Tina Malone. Sorry, Liverpool – but you’re a city best left unheard.

Ear Stretchers

Prat… I could play pitch and putt on his fucking skull.

I do not understand this. If I’m honest, I don’t understand fashion at the best of times but why the fuck would anyone want a bordered hole in their earlobe? It’s not cool, and in most cases is irreversible. Inevitably, we’ll be left with OAPs with hole-filled earlobes in 50 years. In honesty, they won’t be good for much except storing Wednesday’s pills.

Glory Hunters / Second team wankers 

Season ticket holder… for Sky Sports 1 HD

No football fan likes these people. The type of moron who claims to support Liverpool or Manchester United but actually lives in Kent or  Aberystwyth? Then, if you question why they support who they do, it’s always ‘my Granddad does’ like that’s some sort of reprieve – it just means your Grandad is a flaming glory hunter like you. What’s worse, is that these people then judge fans of the local teams for supporting shit clubs. Perhaps, even more annoying are fans who have a ‘second team’. They’re usually a top half Premier League side. The type of cretin who would have something along the lines of “PUFC through and through. Man City are my second team” in their Twitter bio. Yes, that’s a direct quote.


Twats… These self-obsessed arseholes think they’re inspirational.

A three-piece urban band. Doesn’t sound too bad… until you realise who the band members are. The best of a bad bunch is Fazer, whoever the fuck that is. Then there’s drug-dealing, sex-tape making, shit dance song making, ‘female boss’, Tulisa and her cuntish cousin, Dappy, waddling around with the shittest hats I’ve ever seen. It says a lot that this band fronted a beat bullying campaign only to be dropped after Dappy threatened to stab a woman who ‘didn’t like N-Dubz music very much. La Roux’s Elly Jackson targeted the genre of urban music as her least favourite so Thuglisa labelled her an ‘ugly, lonely bitch’. A thoroughly charming duo, I’m sure you’ll agree. Their arrogance must come from somewhere but alas, they’re chart flops too. Their greatest hits album must just be a record of every old woman they’ve happy slapped over the last five years.

The “We all hate Leeds scum” chant

Irrelevant… Who the actually cares about Leeds?

This is nonsense. Fair enough if fans of say Man United, Bradford, Huddersfield or even Chelsea want to sing it but why oh why do clubs from the Midlands and beyond who have no link to them sing this chant? Most people bemoan Leeds for thinking they’re a massive club, but a whole host of sizeable clubs singing about how they hate them with no real reason to is hardly going to quell their ‘holier than thou’ act. I for one know if it were Leicester people were singing about, I’d be lapping it up too.


Admittance… The snow does make things look pretty at least.

Apparently people like Winter. In all honesty, it’s really shit – other than Christmas and New Year’s. I don’t see the fascination with it at all unless you like; the damp, the dark, the cold, the wet, death, depression and illness. Even snow is annoying as arsewarts after two days.

Sweet Potatoes

Vom… Bake these bastards and you’ll hate them forever.

I absolutely hate these things. Once upon a time, I had no feelings towards them but until my sister started her health kick and made me eat baked sweet potato. It was too much – never again.

Floating stairs

Unsteady… Floating stairs do not provide a comfortable level climbing experience.

I’m not sure this is the actual term for these sort of stairs but I hate them nonetheless. It just unnerves me that each plank is seemingly loose in the air. For some strange reason, I feel like my leg will slide through the gap and I’ll fall to a very grisly death. Obviously, there is virtually no chance of that happening but why even take the risk?

Gingers in denial

“I’m Strawberry blonde”… Erm, if you fucking say so

I feel sorry for redheads. They experience a lot of abuse for their hair colour and usually fair skin and in reality, they should embrace their colouring and not hide it through hair dye. Although, they are not the most annoying of the gingers in denial. The ones we all hate are the infamous Strawberry blonde crew. Let’s be honest, pal – you’re ginger, now embrace it.