Disclaimer: There is very little factual truth in this piece. Almost none in fact.
November 13th 1929 – Fred Waldron Phelps is born – his index finger is longer than his ring finger.
November 15th 1929 – Fred’s mother has her genitalia exorcised
February 23rd 1946 – Fred has his first homosexual experience with an attractive young man from down the street.
February 24th 1946 – Fred spends most of the day doodling the attractive man’s name on the back of a Liberace poster.February 25th 1946 – The attractive man doesn’t call Fred back.
February 26th 1946 – still no call.
February 27th 1946 – nothing.
May 3rd 1952 – Fred has a conversation with the first woman he’s met since his mother. He marries her immediately, confirming his heterosexuality.
September 16th 1953 – Fred reads the Bible and highlights the bits he likes.
March 14th 1967 – Fred Phelps begins to target smokers, the media misinterpret his ‘God hates Fags’ slogan. Bemused, Phelps decides to just go with it.
November 20th 1976 – Fred decides to give his family ‘the talk’ about the ‘birds and the bees’. An awkward conversation ensues, in which only back-door entry is on Fred’s agenda
November 25th 1977 – Fred’s daughter, Shirley gives birth out of wedlock, but beats God at a game of Chase the Ace to avoid condemnation to Hell.
1977 – 2002 – Fred has absolutely no gay thoughts at all. None. Seriously, he didn’t.
December 15th 2002 – Fred delves in to the forest in search of unicorn blood to ensure he lives forever. He fails.
December 17th 2002 – On his way home, he bumps in to the attractive young man from his teenage years. Fred makes himself look presentable in the bathroom but the attractive man has left. Fred snaps a Ricky Martin CD in half and feels better.
November 9th 2007 – Fred attends the premiere of Wrong Turn 2, in which daughter Shirley plays one of the cannibals.February 17th 2014 – Fred is banished from the Westboro Baptist Church after being caught twerking to Glee’s cover of Madonna’s ‘Vogue’.
March 20th 2014 – Fred suffers a heart attack after accidentally watching an episode of Modern Family. He is surrounded by posters of WWE’s Batista.