Month: June 2012

Room 101

A twiend of mine recommended that I do a blog on my nominations for Room 101. So after some intense whittling down of candidates here are my magic fifteen. (P.S. This is dedicated to Nicole)

1. Scream Mask

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Petrified… My heart was racing whilst I searched for this on Google

This might seem like a strange one but my first nomination for Room 101 comes in the form of the most chilling mask to ever exist. It’s a completely irrational fear of mine but it’s safe to say I am genuinely terrified of this mask. I’m so afraid in fact that there is a good chance come October 31st, I will refuse you any treat whatsoever if you don this haunting persona. I’m even quaking with fear at the thought of this daunting face appearing before me as I write this at 12:21am.

2. Chris Moyles (on TV only)

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Shut up… Even Babs thinks Chris Moyles is a twat.

Again, this will probably seem an odd choice. I know that old Moylesy is quite popular on his hit Radio 1 breakfast show and I won’t begrudge him that. In fact, I find him most tolerable when his voice commands the airwaves. It’s only when my Leeds-supporting namesake makes the switch to television that his insufferable nature becomes apparent. Much like how a child might change around the popular kids. Moyles seems to fall under the disillusion that he’s the funniest man in existence every time he appears on the box and to make matters worse, his warm charm often apparent on the airwaves seems deeply contained by his revolting, four-chinned face.

3. People who open my fridge without asking

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Closed… The way a fridge should be.

Honestly, what is this fuckery? You cannot just go in to someone’s home and open their fridge. It’s like going in to someone’s church to borrow their bible. I mean, by all means if I invite you to have a look in my fridge then go ahead. But if you feast your eyes on my stashes of Coca-Cola, Frubes and Galaxy chocolate without prior permission then God help you.

4. Internet celebrities

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Leave the internet alone… Chris Crocker cries for Britney.

These people are simply hideous on the inside. Now, when I say Internet celebrities, I am talking about everything from your gossip-fuelled bitches like Perez Hilton to your vein, conceited wannabes like Olly Riley. Basically, these people are famous for smacking keyboards or being attractive. They are usually conceited and driven by their own putrid desire to be famous for nothing. Olly Riley and Nick Lowe are usually found regurgitating motivational quotes then responding with vitriol of the homophobic nature to their ‘haters’. Let’s be honest, internet celebrities serve only one purpose – to be hated. God bless, Olly Riley for making that so damn easy.

5. Homophobes, racists and sexists

God hates fags… He also said you’re not allowed to get your hair cut

I shouldn’t even need to say anything . These people are the scum of the earth. You can often find them in the deep south of the States, usually sucking on the corners of a double-barrel shotgun.

6. Kingston-upon-Hull

Censored… Hull is a shithole, that’s why he came home.

Now, I’m not trying to say that people from Hull aren’t as smashing as the rest of the folk (Nottingham excluded) found in Great Britain. But unfortunately, their city is literally an urban skip, I mean how bad can a place be that it actually has a Twitter account dedicated to finding tweets insulting its appearance? I had the unfortunate chore of visiting the Humberside settlement last December and I felt as if I was visiting the rubble of Hiroshima on magic mushrooms. Hull is old-fashioned; not in the cool vintage way but in the practically Amish way. Obviously, every English city has it’s good parts and bad parts. It’s just that Hull’s good parts make Luton look like Rome.

7. Owls

Creepy… Even Hedwig cannot redeem these winged wankers.

These things are the second most evil animal to walk (fly) the face of this earth. Their creepy head rotation and frying pan stare is enough to send chills down anyone’s spine. Forget, bald eagles. The owl is the menace of the sky.

8. Facebook

Drama… Facebook has become Jeremy Kyle’s utopia.

Here comes part deux of my internet snobbery; Nomination number eight is that of social-networking giant, Facebook. It’s fair to say, I was once a keen Facebooker, back in 2010 before it experienced a massive decline thanks to the rising popularity of the far superior, Twitter. However, Facebook is now synonymous with three things; chavs, wannabes and moaning teenagers. I’m not saying, Facebook doesn’t have it’s practicalities but let’s just say if I was given the choice now, I would not become a fan. In fact, I’d stick to the new social-networking site, I now ‘follow’.

9. Being wrongly accused

I can’t even put a funny spin on this… It’s just so annoying. My ultimate gear-grinder.

10. Nottingham Forest

Shit badge… We all know it’s the back of an old lady’s head and her shoulder blades.

22.1 miles due north of my beloved Leicester City, lurks a hideous disease under the guise of Nottingham Forest Football Club. If delusion had a physical state it would manifest itself as one of the vile trees, I am subjected to on Twitter. If you follow me, you are probably well aware that I don’t like Forest fans and Forest fans don’t like me. My reasoning is that my beloved gunslingers up the A46 are arrogance personified. Whoop-de-fucking-doo, you’ve had two years of success. Well, guess what, this one time I trended on Twitter, does that make me permanently famous? No, it doesn’t. The under-educated Shottingham inhabitants seem to have trouble grasping this concept but are more than happy to bring it up 24/7. In fact, if any of you have the misfortune of bumping in to the inbreds from Robin Hood-shire, sling a history book their way – It’s their favourite past-time.

11. Bananas & Raspberries

Raspberries… Like strawberries except with absolutely no positives whatsoever.

The Hitler and Stalin of fruits. I’ve only ever had the experience of each of these two ‘fruits’ raping my taste buds once and I’m thrilled to say, I’ve never had to go back. I do genuinely struggle to find any redeeming factor from either of these two. The banana is a putrid yellow mess with an utterly revolting texture that should only ever be visible wearing pyjamas on children’s television. Whereas, raspberries are little pink grenades of poison that ignite a quite frankly violent gag reflex from me. Give me, vomit fruit over either of these any day of the week.

12. American Flag – English language

We are not amused… America takes credit for someone else’s work…again.

An annoyance of patriotic influence coming through now – The use of the American flag on a language selector when referring to English. I would first like  to take this opportunity to say that I have no intention of trashing our backwards Transatlantic cousins but the language is quite clearly property of old Blighty. It doesn’t even make sense for the flag of the United States to be used. Granted, there are more English speakers there but, it’s bloody called ENGLISH. You wouldn’t describe ‘Don’t Stop Believin” as a Glee song ahead of Journey just because it charted higher than the original would you? No is the correct answer.

13. Peter Andre’s reality TV shows

Fame whore… Peter still doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up.

There’s overkill and then there’s Peter Andre. It’s probably fair to say, Peter Andre is for the most part, a  very popular man among the British public (particularly with those at ITV2). He’s had a highly-publicised marriage with airhead, Katie Price, as well as an at best mediocre pop career. However, Peter’s biggest flaw is his inability to know when to call it a day. Since 2008, Andre has had FIVE reality TV shows, all on ITV2 from ‘Going it Alone’ to ‘Here 2 Help’. I’m sorry, but who in their right mind would want to watch a 30-something has-been help  a random member of the public fix their boiler? Like, I said – Overkill would  be a massive understatement.

14. Leopard seals

Smug… Leopard seals are self-satisfied shag rats.

These creatures are runts with a capital ‘C’. These floppy, damp blobs of death screech evil in every way from their predatory nature to their icy, yellow stare. I’m all for animal rights. In fact, I have adopted several endangered wild animals but not these nasty bastards. They should make like a dodo and fuck off.

15. Beliebers

Vermin… Beliebers are the rats of the internet and Bieber fever is the bubonic plague.

Interestingly enough, the Random List Generator I used to order my 15 nominations left these turds until last and it was a mighty fine choice indeed. Next to the fans of Notts Forest, there is not a single more irritating group of individuals on the planet. It’s probably apparent to you that these (usually) pre-pubescent scumbags frequent to hijack Twitter trends on a daily basis, with the sole purpose of thrusting their odd obsession in to the faces of the masses. Unfortunately, these twerps seem unable to grasp the fact that their abrasiveness actually generates hate for the thoroughly likable person they claim to ‘idolise’, when he has done little wrong. Also, many of them think Justin Bieber is on the same level as the great King of Pop, Michael Jackson despite Biebs current total of 0 number-one singles…

The East Midlands Derbies

The East Midlands is a funny place to determine local rivalries. Traditionally, a successful area of the country in terms of footballing heritage, being the home of Nottingham Forest, Derby County and of course, Leicester City. However, although there is little room for disputing the legitimacy of the ‘East Midlands Big 3’. There is significantly more doubt over the issue of who hates whom.

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Rivals… Derby, Leicester and Nott’m Forest

There seems to be a significant divide among the supporters of the three clubs as to the extent of each’s rivalry with the other two. In 2003, the Football Fans Census aimed to highlight who football fans considered their clubs biggest rivals and there were no surprises in the East Midlands with all three naming each other as their two biggest rivals;

Derby County Nottingham Forest, Leicester City, Leeds United

Leicester City – Nottingham Forest, Derby County, Coventry City

Nottingham Forest – Derby County, Leicester City, Sheffield United

The evidence of this ‘census’ being accurate is apparent on social networking site, Twitter. With fans often engaging in ‘banter’ with their rival’s supporters. However, although Leicester, Forest and Derby share a frequent and equal need to bash each other over Twitter, a rivalry survey I launched on Twitter and all three clubs’ biggest forum had slightly different results to that of the 2003 census. Forest and Derby remained the fiercest rivalry with each still naming each other as their main rival. Leicester still saw Forest as the enemy and Forest saw Leicester as the next best alternative with Sheffield United still in third. However, the Derby-Leicester rivalry seems to have diluted within the last 9 years with both naming each other as their third biggest rivals. With Leicester behind Leeds United and Derby now behind Coventry City.

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Crunch… Derby County list BOTH Forest and Leicester as rivals.

Attendances are another area of these rivalries where intensity could be disputed. In the 2011/12 season the Derby County vs. Nottingham Forest at Pride Park was the only East Midlands derby to receive no coverage on television. With Derby and Leicester’s two league clashes and Leicester-Forest’s FA Cup replay taking centre stage on the box. It is fair to say over the last few seasons, Leicester City’s games against Forest and Derby are far more likely to be televised than those against each other. Perhaps indicating how the media depicts the intensity of each rivalry. However, Derby-Forest was the only sell-out derby match of last season with 33,010 fans rocking up on the night. Attendances for all three have dropped considerably over the last few seasons.

2009/10
Derby vs. Forest – 32,674

Derby vs. Leicester – 30,259
Leicester vs. Derby – 28,875
Leicester vs. Forest – 31,759
Forest vs. Derby – 28,143
Forest vs. Leicester – 28,626

2010/11
Derby vs. Forest – 33,010
Derby vs. Leicester – 26,142 (5.20 kick-off, televised)
Leicester vs. Derby – 25,930
Leicester vs. Forest – 24,659 (7.45 Monday kick-off, televised)
Forest vs. Derby – 29,490
Forest vs. Leicester – 24,217 (5.20 Good Friday kick-off, televised)

2011/12
Derby vs. Leicester – 28,205 (7.45 Thursday kick-off, televised)
Derby vs. Forest – 33,010 (7.45 Tuesday kick-off)
Leicester vs. Derby – 22,496 (5.20 kick-off, televised)
Leicester vs. Forest – 23,412 (7.45 Tuesday kick-off)
Forest vs. Leicester – 24,426
Forest vs. Derby – 27,356 (12.00 kick-off, televised)

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Sea of Blue… 8,000 Leicester fans storm the City Ground.

Although the fans census and attendance figures may agree that Forest-Derby is the biggest rivalry in East Midlands, the history books would contend this. It is widely accepted among the clubs’ fans that pre-Brian Clough the main rivalry in the East Midlands was between Nottingham Forest and Leicester City due to the size of both cities (both considerably bigger than Derby) and the socio-economic rivalry that has lasted between Nottingham and Leicester for decades. The rivalry seems to transcend football time and time again. Most notably with the East Midlands airport dispute. The airport is closer to Nottingham, which it was originally named after but it had a Derby post code and fell within the Leicestershire border. This intensified the rivalry between the three cities and it has since been rebranded East Midlands Airport : Nottingham – Leicester – Derby.

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Hate… Emotions boil over at Pride Park

Geography is of course another key factor in determining the strength of each rivalry. The cities of Nottingham and Derby are just 13 miles apart, that’s half the distance between either and Leicester. This is likely to cause a more intense local rivalry. However, heavily populated towns in Leicestershire that are much closer to their rivals have been known to host a hostile atmosphere. Most notably, Loughborough and Melton Mowbray towards Nottinghamshire and Coalville towards Derbyshire. Interestingly enough, geography may not be as important in the East Midlands as most other places with only Derby considering their nearest football club their main rivals. Forest’s nearest club are Notts County and Leicester’s is M69 rivals, Coventry.

In my own personal experience, Derby and Forest fans seem to legitimately care about Leicester City. Granted, not as much as each other but the rivalry still exists. I remember the way, the Reds celebrated an injury time equaliser against the Foxes in August in a traditionally controversial clash between the two EM giants. I remember Forest’s chants from late-March – “If you all hate Leicester, clap your hands.”, “Build a bonfire, build a bonfire put the Derby on the top, put the Leicester in the middle and we’ll burn the fucking lot.”, “We’ll never be mastered by you Leicester bastards, we’ll keep the red flag flying high.” I also remember, a Derby fan shouting abuse at me as I walked down the street with a Leicester flag for Sport Relief. The reason, I bring up the word ‘care’ is the now frequented defense mechanism introduced by the Derby-Forest alliance a few years ago. Both clubs claim to not care about the Foxes which is a perfect excuse when Leicester City manage to beat their rivals. Their fans don’t care. However, on the rare occasion they beat Leicester, the story changes and the three become rivals again.

To me, it’s clear. Derby and Forest are the biggest rivals in the East Midlands. I don’t believe the rivalry is as big as their fans make it out to be and I don’t believe Leicester-Forest and Leicester-Derby is as weak as the Rams and Reds claim nor do I feel that it’s the hugest rivalry in existence as some Leicester fans may lead you to believe. For now, all I can say to Leicester fans, is leave Forest and Derby alone to think they’re Real and Barca and when we bump in to our friends of the tree or sheep persuasion, we can remind them where our ‘loyalties’ lie. After all, foxes eat sheep and trees are perfect for pissing on.

We hate Forest! We hate Derby! Who the f**k are Coventry?